A Sack of Cookie Crumbs

Yesterday was an interesting day. I took my two oldest children to visit their Oma and Opa and drop off their Christmas gifts. They opened their gifts and then we sat and talked with them for a while. We learned some very interesting things about Oma's life as a child. She grew up in Germany during WW2 and told us some of her experiences.

Oma's family was bombed out twice during that war. The first time they were able to get another apartment, but when they were bombed out the second time, her family had to move in with her grandparents. They lived in a one bedroom apartment so her family had to live in the family room. A week after this happened, the war ended. The POW's in town were released and they emptied out all of the grocery stores. From that time,it would be six months of being hungry everyday with only one meal a day if there were lucky. They used to go to different bakeries and stand in line all night long. They never knew which bakery would get flour to make bread that day so she went with her mother to one bakery and her father went to another one across town. If they were in line all night they would get a half a loaf of bread in the morning if that bakery got flour that day. Sometimes one of them would get a half a loaf and sometimes both would. She would then get one slice of bread to eat that day. She used to ask her mom why her dad got two slices and she only got one and her mom told her because he needed to work and she could rest.

During that very difficult time she talked about how other people would reach out to help them when they could. There was a cookie factory close by their town and every night they swept the floor for cookie crumbs and put them in a sack. When the sack was full a farmer (that her dad did some work for) would go and pick it up to feed to his pigs. When the farmer found out they had no food, he gave them the sack and said to eat the good pieces that weren't too dirty. For almost two weeks she lived on cookie crumbs and said they tasted really good.

These stories were hard for me to hear, but also made me realize how quickly things can change overnight. It was basically overnight that her family went from having food to having nothing. The iron factory where her father worked was bombed as well as their home and so immediately they lost everything, including employment. When the grocery stores were emptied, the only food to be had was what they had in their home or what others would give to them. She talked about how important food storage is to her and I can only imagine after experiencing 6 months of being hungry all the time, how storing food would be on her priority list. I was grateful to hear her story and to learn more about her life as a child. As a mother, I can't imagine how painful it would be to watch your children go hungry everyday and have no idea when it will end. Throughout the telling of her story, she would mention how there is a basic goodness in people as others would share what little food they had with her family during that difficult time. I was grateful to have my two oldest children with me to hear these experiences and to learn from them. You never know what people have been through and why they do the things they do. I understand Oma better than I did before and appreciate her for who she is more than ever. I believe I will always look at cookie crumbs in a different way now...how could I not?

Music to my Ears

Katherine Nelson's music has a special place in my heart. The songs on this CD have carried me through many difficult times, I highly recommend listening to them.

Katherine has just released a new arrangement of Silent Night and has not failed to deliver. I want everyone to hear this song, it's beautiful. You can listen to it here. Thank you Katherine for sharing your talent.

A Listening Ear

I've always tried to be a good listener and have had people come to me to share their burdens on many different occasions. I like being on the end as the listener, not the one who is sharing burdens. I have been significantly humbled in many ways throughout the past few years and it has put me in a position of being the "burdensome" one. Today, I had an experience where I shared some of the burdens I have been carrying for a long time with people that were loving and compassionate. They were the listening ear that I needed, even though I do feel some of my burdens have now become theirs and that is not something I want for them. I have always wanted to be a person that lifts the burdens of others, not add more to theirs. It is not a desirable place to be, but this is where I find myself.

I've heard that God can make a disaster turn to our good if we allow Him to do so. I am hoping that this will be the case for me. I have had a deep struggle with trusting others and God lately and it is taking all that I have to trust at all. I stepped outside my comfort zone today in speaking of my struggles and I want to express my gratitude to the Lord for sending friends who were willing to listen and help me. A listening ear can make all the difference in someone's life. I hope and pray that the Lord can make something useful of me yet.

A Forgiving Heart

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It heals us, allowing us to be free of anger, hate, bitterness and pain. Sometimes we don't realize negative feelings exist within us. We may have buried them deep inside of us because we are taught not to feel that way towards another person, especially if they are someone we love. These type of negative feelings can be brought to the surface when something from our past triggers them. Several years ago, I had an experience that brought up some very negative feelings within me. I was taken by complete surprise and it overwhelmed me because I'm not an overly emotional person and I don't enjoy feeling that way. My first reaction was to drop to my knees for help and what proceeded to happen was nothing short of a miracle.

As I sought God's help in dealing with my negative feelings, I experienced the ability to instantly forgive someone that had deeply hurt me. I realized that it took many years to get to the point where I could experience all those negative feelings and finally deal with them. As I did, I had to make a choice. Rather than becoming bitter, I chose to ask God to help me forgive and He answered my prayer by granting me a forgiving heart. I knew I had to desire it though, more than I wanted that person to pay for what they had done. It healed me and a great burden was taken from me, one I hadn't even realized I had carried for so long.

We all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness. We want to be forgiven for the things we have done that have hurt others, but we don't always want to grant forgiveness to others for hurting us. The most important thing I have learned about forgiveness is we cannot ask for forgiveness if our hearts aren't willing to forgive others. It doesn't mean forgiveness has to be immediate, only that we are willing and working towards it. To me, a forgiving heart means we not only seek forgiveness, but we grant it as well. I am deeply grateful for this learning experience and I hope to always remember the importance of seeking a forgiving heart.

Beautiful People

You know who they are, they are the people who look you in the eye, smile at you and say hello. They notice you and acknowledge your presence. They respond to you when you talk to them or write. They express genuine concern and love in their interactions with you. They are the beautiful people on this earth.

I want to thank all the beautiful people that are a part of my life. You make my life worth living and I am deeply grateful to know each of you. There is no way you can't know who you are either because I'm sure other people are telling you how wonderful you are too! ;)

I want to especially express gratitude to my Heavenly Father and thank Him for sending beautiful people into my life. I can never repay Him for all that He has given me, but I will continue to try to be the person He would have me be and I will work hard to be a beautiful person in the lives of others as well.

Gossip Girls

It's not that fun to find out people you love and care about are gossiping about you. Gossip is defined as "idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. It is one of the oldest and most common means of sharing facts and views, but also has a reputation for the introduction of errors and variations into the information transmitted."

I've grown up being taught that it is wrong to gossip about others and so have most of the people I have associated with throughout my life. We have learned mostly in a religious setting such as Sunday School or General Conference. Heck, we even have posters about it sent to us in magazines when we are teens:

On LDS.org (my church's official website) it states this about gossip:

"People often use the fact that the information is true to excuse the fact that they are talking about someone. Knowing that something is true does not make it right to spread the tale. A lot of hurt can come from talking about others. If the thing would be better left unsaid, then don’t say it.

Many people think gossip is the spreading of falsehoods or rumors. Of course, that kind of behavior is absolutely wrong, no question about it. But gossip also involves telling people personal things about another when it really is none of their business. Whether the information is true or not is not the issue. If telling others will do harm, cause embarrassment, or give faulty perceptions, then you have an obligation to stop the gossip by not spreading it to others.

It is especially important to keep confidences when someone asks you to. Often people need to talk about their problems or about someone who is causing them to worry. They may even ask you to keep it private. If you agree, then you should keep your word."

I remember the first time I accidentally overheard gossip about myself. I had my baby monitor on as my newborn was asleep and I was trying to grab a quick shower while I had the chance. Suddenly, I heard someone talking and it was about me. I didn't grasp what was going on at first, but then I realized their phone conversation was being picked up on my baby monitor. Back then, monitors were fairly new and there was only one other channel to change to, so I changed it, but not before I heard some things I was saddened to hear. I had no idea this person was thinking those things about me, and to top it off, I was already feeling overwhelmed with having a new baby, so I felt further isolated. It was the one time I was fighting postpartum depression and it was painful to hear. It broke my heart and changed my perceptions of that person forever, as I never knew that side of them and I realized my trust in them had been misplaced.

Interestingly, I have found that people tend to feel justified in talking badly about others, particularly if they believe the person they are talking about is doing something that they think is not right. The problem is, most of the time when a person is gossiping, they have no idea what is really going on with the person they are gossiping about. In fact, it is likely they haven't even talked directly to the person, they are just jumping to conclusions based on what they have heard from others.

I have also noticed that men handle people who gossip about them differently than women. Depending on the extent of the gossip, or in other words, the damage that has been done and continues to be done, men will seek to completely end the relationship emotionally and will completely shut themselves down to that person. I've noticed they have a much better ability to let go of people (even family) and move ahead with their lives without them. Women don't seem to be able to do this as easily so they tend to give them chances over and over again and get hurt over and over again. I think it is the one time in my life I feel it would be nice to be like a man and be able to let go of people who are intentionally choosing to hurt you by the things they choose to say about you, even if they are true.

It is a fact that gossip can be so damaging it can change one's life forever or even lead one to thoughts of ending their lives. It destroys the person's ability to trust when they are the one being talked about to others. It also can create a desire to not tell others things that otherwise they would share because they know that the information would only be used to further hurt or embarrass them.

The reality is gossip leaves a very ugly, painful trail and it can never be undone. It is something that spreads through each person that repeats it and eventually it makes it way back to the person being talked about. I have watched it happen to people I know and have seen it change them permanently. I have found it interesting that being a part of the religious culture I am, it is almost seen as a right to discuss other people's personal lives because they claim they are only trying to "help". In church we talk often of the 99 and the one and how important it is to go after the one. My experience, however, is that people find it much more interesting to talk about the one, rather than praying for them or reaching out with love, thus ensuring that they never have a desire to be a part of the 99 again.

My Worth to God

I've had some days recently that I wouldn't wish on anyone. They have been difficult and made me wonder about my own value and worth. Of course, you hear that God loves you and is within reach, but sometimes it is not that easy to believe.

I love to take photos and today, with the first snow, I decided I wanted to take some while my kids were in school. As I was driving to a place I love to go in Alpine, I noticed I was being followed by a truck. It didn't concern me much, I was just aware of it. As I made it to my destination, I made a U-turn and a very old man pulled up (in the truck that had been following me) and rolled down his window trying to talk to me. He told me he wanted to follow me down the road and I didn't understand what he meant. Feeling no threat, I went up to his window and then I realized he was crying...a lot. He then told me he had been lost for over 2 hours. I asked him if he had a phone number of someone I could call and he said his wife was getting her hair done and she wouldn't answer. I asked where she was getting her hair done and he said "beats me". I then asked him what his name was and he didn't seem to know. He said he had a daughter that lived in Alpine and he was going to drive to her house. I could tell he didn't want my help anymore when I asked if I could call the police for help. I could tell his dignity was fighting to stay intact when he said was going to drive to his daughter's house and he knew EXACTLY where he was going. He really wanted to leave so I decided to follow him to make sure he reached his destination. As I assumed, he drove all over Alpine into neighborhoods and dead end streets. At this point, I had already decided to call the police and was on the phone with dispatch as I followed him around town. We drove all over the place and he was not driving slow...about 40 in a 25 mile an hour zone. One police officer passed me initially going the other direction, but when I saw the second one (who was looking for us) I waved to him and he turned around. Then we turned right onto another road and another officer saw us and did a U-turn and finally pulled him over. Three officers came in all and I was asked to stay for a bit. They talked to him and got him out of his vehicle. I could see he had wet his pants and an officer also got him a tissue for his runny nose. He was wearing a retired Air Force hat and I couldn't help but think how much I respected this man and hoped that he would understand that I did what I felt I needed to do. I was able to leave as they found a family member who was coming to get him and felt relieved that he wasn't driving around lost anymore.

As I left the scene, I felt something I have been struggling to feel lately...WORTH. I felt that God had put ME in the right place at the right time to help someone who needed help and I actually was able to help him. I knew this man was desperately needing some help, but also was embarrassed to be so lost. This experience was something I needed to help me understand that I am useful to God and that he trusted me enough to help someone in need. He knew that I was willing and that I truly desire to help others whenever I can. This was an experience I needed today, as nothing else has been getting through to me. I thank God for using me in a way that helped me remember I am of worth to Him and I can be of use in doing good. It has helped me come up from a dark place into one with some light. Today,I not only have recognized the worth of others to God, but my worth to God as well.

God's Beautiful Creatures

I didn't grow up around animals. My family had a dog named Chips when I was a young, but he wasn't around long and that was all the experience I had with having a pet or just being around any animal period.

I've always thought of myself as a happy pet-free person. I think animals are great as long as I don't have to take care of them, because I do realize that like children, they require time, food, a place to stay and of course, love and attention. I am stretched to my limit with the fabulous children that I have, plus I know how to take care of children, animals would make me feel like the first day I came home with my first child; scared and not sure what to do! (of course I know EXACTLY what to do now..ha ha) I believe God realized that I have no capacity for taking care of animals right now, but that I could really use their calming influence in my life.

So, the other day a cattle fence was put up across my backyard while I was running errands. When I got home the kids and I were curious about it and it didn't take long before two beautiful horses showed up behind the fence. I know this may sound strange, but something changed. It's like God wanted me to know He was there so He put two of His most beautiful creatures in my backyard. Every time I walk by the window I can't help but stop to look for them. If they are by the cattle fence, I grab my camera and the kids and we go out to see them. Today was especially fun as the kids were able to feed one some grass.

As I have thought about what has taken place this past week, I want to thank God for His beautiful creatures, especially the two in my backyard. There is a calming effect that has come since they have shown up. God knows how to make us feel loved and this was a very specific and touching way that He has shown me and my family. For that I am grateful.

Nature Turns on Us

(Photograph from CNN.com)

I'm reflecting today on how nature can be so renewing and bring such a feeling of peace, yet at the same time, be so destructive and bring such a feeling of terror. My heart is heavy at the thought of those suffering due to nature running its course. I can't imagine the time it is going to take to recover from the loss the Japanese have suffered. They are a well-prepared people and that has helped them immensely at this time, even though they are still very overwhelmed. This disaster has brought to my mind the fact that nature can and does turn on us. We must prepare for natural disasters and recognize that even with the best preparation, nature will always have the upper hand. I feel so small when I think of the fury that nature can unleash and my helplessness against it. Conversely, I feel larger than life when I photograph a gorgeous sunset, walk along the beach, or hike in the beautiful mountains. I am reminded again today that nature does heal and comfort us, but it will not always be so kind. I am grateful for nature's comforting temperament where I am today, and I pray for those who have had nature's violent fury unleashed upon them. May they find peace, comfort and relief at this devastating time.

Surround Yourself with Beauty

Emily Dickinson wrote: "Beauty is not caused. It is."  I am surrounded by beauty and I love to photograph it as much as I can.  I believe photographs carry energy which can be positive or negative.  Placing photos in our environment that are positive and uplifting can renew us daily and help us to feel energized.  Photos of those we love can help us feel a sense of belonging and help us remember that we are important to others.  Photos of nature can remind us that there is always something beautiful for us to see... it is never ending.  Surround yourself with beauty and notice the difference it makes in your energy level.  I believe it works and will also help us to discover stillness within us.

A Way to Discovery

Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.- Frank Lloyd Wright  

I think nature is one of the most reliable ways to discover stillness. When we cannot find stillness in our busy lives, we can turn to nature and follow its cues. Each season speaks to our soul- reminding us that life is made of seasons and we cannot rush through them. We must embrace them and allow them to happen. Nature can heal us and lead us to the Healer. Trust in the beauty that surrounds us, know it is there for our benefit and realize it can teach us great lessons as we allow it. It is one true way to discovering stillness.